All My Loving

And while I'm away/ I'll write home everyday/ And I'll send all my loving to you.

"All My Loving," The Bealtes

I have been told (on more than one occasion) that I am quite bad at communication. And it is true, I really am no expert when it comes to keeping in touch with people. I often times leave my phone at home, I completely avoid all emails that have more than a few questions for me to answer, and I get visibly angry when I have to text more than a few lines. For reasons I am sure would take many therapy sessions to explain, I just cannot bring myself to develop the patience or the attention span necessary to create constant methods of communication.  Instead, I seemed to have taken my mother's old warning, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," a bit too far. Instead, I seem to think, "If you don't have anything worthy to say, don't say anything at all."

Unfortunately, as a recent health scare pointed out, I seem to have forgotten what others constitute as 'worthy' conversations. For example, a five minute phone call to my parents every week while I was in the process of feeling sick might have been a worthy investment. Instead, I went with the more frantic, "Hey Dad... Forgot to tell you, I'm in Washington D.C. and, funny story, my spleen feels like it is about to burst." And perhaps telling my best friend I was on doctor-ordered bed rest would have been very important the first week in, not the seventh. And maybe, just maybe I should have told a sister or two how horrible I felt instead of assuming they knew. Although I still maintain these are both improvements to my previous modes of communication, it clearly is not acceptable by most others' standards.

No matter my errors or failures, with a track record like that, it is easy to see that my friends and family are extremely worried about my  upcoming travels to Europe. For those who are unaware, tomorrow marks the beginning of my study abroad program, Comparative Women and Gender Studies in Europe. This three month trip will take me to the Netherlands, Germany, the Czech Republic, and Poland to study feminist theories and methodologies, as well as allow me to conduct my own independent research. The program is absolutely perfect, however, it means I am another couple thousand miles away from the people who are already worried about me...without a reliable way to communicate.

My packed bag, I know you want some
of that feminist theory...

This one little hitch has created dozens of conversations/scoldings as to how I am going to keep in touch. To each determined speaker I always said, "Don't worry, I'll make sure to keep in touch with everyone at home." That worked for a while until one day when I was swinging my keys around, telling this well-meaning lie to yet another friend. I remember looking down at my keys and suddenly realizing just how many places I was calling home. On this single lanyard I had five different house keys. It was a wonderful problem to have, really, to be trusted and cared for by so many individuals across the United States. I knew that, at any time,  I could show up on any of these five doorsteps, let myself in, sleep in a bed that I have at one point called  'mine' and no one would ask a question. But, in my mind, it also meant five different households in multiple time zones that I was going to let down. And there is no worse feeling than having someone you care about be disappointed in something you have tried a thousand times to change, let alone five times that many.

After this realization, I decided to make a better go of communication this year than I did last and started by beginning a blog. A small attempt, yes, but if you know me, you know I detest blogs. However, I accept that blogs are an amazing tool for bridging spacial divides and, as  a  communication- stunted and emotionally-inept person, I know this is a great first step for me. From this platform, I can show you, my loved ones, that I am thinking about you and, as the Beatles say, sending all my loving to you...the best way I know how.

I will update this page weekly or bi-weekly with photos and essays- probably shorter than this entry- about where I've been and what I'm doing. It is my hope that this will train me to stay in better contact and perhaps I can even share a few things about feminist theory....or you can go ahead and skip to the photos of food and monuments and say, "I want to go to there." Or whatever it is people say to computer screens when they're clearly trying to creep on a my trip and I keep posting about feminism. Regardless, I hope you enjoy what you will find on this blog and I cannot wait to share my experiences in person.

Until then, I must go enjoy my last day in America. 

Tracy

Tot gauw, Amerika!