Love Is All You Need

"There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be."

"All You Need Is Love," The Beatles

Just over four years ago, I sat in a half-empty dorm room feeling particularly horrible. It was my first night in college and, much like the preceding hours, I was spending it completely alone. Though I had somehow foraged my way through my first plane ride alone, a solo trip to a school I had only even seen perhaps twice, and one trip up the stairs to unpack my single bag of clothing into the empty dorm room, I was fresh out of courage. It was day one of college and I was completely overwhelmed, and nothing could fix it, not even hiding under the bed sheets with a burrito (take off those judgment pants, I know you do it, too). Instead, all I could do was utter a dreadful declaration to myself, "I've made a huge mistake." 

Even in my exhaustion, I knew calling my parents with woes of doubt and anxiety was not the best way to start my college career, so I decided to tough it out. Unfortunately, time passes by much slower when you're wallowing in your own stubbornness, and I knew I needed some parental advice before I could get any sleep. Rather than a frantic call, I looked instead at my father's blog. To my surprise, he had written a short post about my departure to UMass. It was in that moment, looking at his post, I knew I was going to be all right. Despite the fear and the exhaustion, this was really where I was meant to be.

Almost an entire college career later, I am in that same place. Although this time, I'm sitting in an overcrowded hostel room on a different continent feeling only slightly horrible. But the feeling is the same: the heartbreak of leaving home mixed with the fear of failing to meet expectations. While I am enjoying my travels more than I can express, I cannot control my wandering mind. I stroll through the streets of Utrecht and happily listen to the serene bells of the Dom Tower ringing six times, but my mind only remembers that by the time I see my parents again, that is how many months it has been since my last visit. Or, I look out the train at the blur of the world and, in time with the patterned chug of the train, calculate how many months I've been home since I started at UMass. No matter how much I enjoy traveling, I always miss home just a little bit more.

Today has been especially hard. It is Papa G's (or the artist formerly known as Rap Master T, whatever you may choose to call him) birthday. And, yet again, I am not there to celebrate. Instead, we're negotiating Skype calls over six time zones. Yet, despite this distance and the shoddy internet, our interactions still exist in such a way that it feels as if we're in the same room. And I realize how our relationship has shifted and changed in the past few years.

Every time you wonder why I am the way that I am,
go ahead and blame these two...

When I think about myself sitting in that dorm room four years ago, it is amazing to see how much I have become like my father. Despite his best efforts, he and my mother have raised me to be exactly like him. Besides having the same eyes -- and therefore the same disapproving stare-- we have the same demeanor, the same general dislike of human interactions, and the same interests. He taught me the power of a library card, the joy of owning a dog, the relativism of the human experience, and just about every moral that has come to dictate my life. I am always learning from him and, for some reason, always trying to be just a bit more like him.

So here I am in a gorgeous European city wishing, of all places, I were in South Dakota. I am forever grateful for this opportunity, but I do really miss my parents. They have sacrificed so much for me, and I want to make sure that they are not only proud of me, but also free from the sadness of distance. It is a hard space to negotiate, for I know my immediate future is not in South Dakota, but I cannot do more of this twice-a-year arrangement. I would like to be able to be home to properly celebrate and honor the man who helped raise three amazing, albeit quite twisted, daughters. 

As the day comes to a close in Europe and the evening is only beginning back home, I know my battle between my need for adventure and my need for family is far from over. However, as I prepare for bed in order to travel to another city full of scary and exhilarating experiences, I know I will always have a reassuring voice in my head. No matter where I am in the world, no matter how much I crave to be home, I always hear my father telling me, "There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be."

And, suddenly, everything seems possible again.

Happy birthday, Papa G.